For over ten years I have struggled, and after a long week and the nagging challenge from those that love me in the back of my mind I decided it was time to say goodbye. It took a large glass of wine, and a lot of crying, but here it is-
A break-up letter to my eating disorder:
E.D. , 9/27/12
I’ve tried getting this point across to you for a few months now, but you don’t seem to be getting the point. And the longer we go on without having this official conversation, the more I open myself up to the opportunity to let you back into my life. Into my world. And that’s just not an option anymore. We’re over. Done. I want absolutely nothing to do with you moving forward and I would appreciate if you would respect that. I get that you’re not just going to let me go. But I don’t care. I want you out.
Our relationship has been awful. You want and need to dominate my life. You crave my attention. When you don’t get it you whine, and beg and eventually scream at me to give you my focus. You use guilt trips on me because they work. You manipulate me.
For over 10 years you have been my partner. Because we have such a long history I find that in my struggles I keep coming back to you because even in the abuse you are consistent. You’re easy. You’re comfortable. You make promises to me and you hold me and I mistake that comfort for love. And then, when I am “safely” back in your arms you take advantage of me and hurt me. You make me feel bad about myself. You twist my eyes so that I see what you want me to see in the mirror. You don’t want me to see what others actually see because I might begin to turn to them instead of you. So you make me feel disgusted with myself. You make me see things that aren’t there. You make me feel things that are unjustified and untrue.
And then, once you have me convinced of your untruths you turn around and make me feel bad for believing you. You blame ME for listening to you. You tell me I’m a failure because I believed you. That it’s my fault for being this way. It’s my fault for not being smart enough or strong enough to know better. So that at the end of all if it I’m damned if I do and damned if I don’t and just want to quit it all.
You’re abusive. And when I fight back, you just sit and wait. You wait in your quiet way for a bad day. For a day I’m off my game. A day when someone says something hurtful, or when I’m second guessing my abilities, or when I have something major coming up. And you attack me. You sneak in small with little whispers at my insecurities and you always know the right hot button. A pair of jeans just out of the dryer that feel a little snug. A night out with friends that wasn’t a salad. A missed opportunity to exercise. And you jump on my back and just drag me down. I feel broken and bruised.
But you know what? You are evil. You are my own personal satan…you ARE satan…and I have no room for you in my life. I have things going for me. I am beautiful damnit. I am a good person. God loves me. And He created me. He has a plan for me and has had that plan for me long before you were ever a blip on the radar. And in that reality all by itself I see you for who you are. You are not what a partner should be. You are everything I should have run from as a young girl. You are everything God has been trying to pull me away from my whole life. And I am done with you. You HURT me. You are wrong for me. You are wrong for all of us. You are the opposite of love. And in that I find I want nothing more to do with you.
God loves me. God loves ME. You have spent so much time trying to convince me that my self worth is wrapped up in how I look. In how other people, other humans, see me. You have stolen so much time from me. So much worry and stress and insecurity wrapped up in something that doesn’t matter. This relationship has been the center of my world for so many years I can’t remember what life was like before you. YOU have taken too much from me and today I am stating for the first AND last time that you will take no more from me. I won’t allow it. I can’t allow it.
You don’t deserve me. And I intend to do everything in my power to ensure that no other woman or man on this planet ends up in this disgusting excuse for a relationship with you.
You are going to try to punish me for this letter. I know that. I know you just as intimately as you know me. But I promise you, try as you might….you will not succeed.
Goodbye to you.