In September I quite literally broke up with my eating disorder. It was such a weird and yet empowering move on my part I wasn’t quite sure what would actually happen so I just took it one day at a time. I am proud to say that while it’s not been easy, I have successfully waded through the last 6 weeks or so without ‘calling him up’ and inviting negative behavior into my life again. At first, I spent a lot of time leaning into my support system and also praying for strength to keep moving forward and not backward. As time went on, the days got easier. There were hiccups, but nothing earth shattering.
And then…I went wedding dress shopping. Cue the dun dun dunnnnnn.
I made it about 45 minutes before I got a bit too anxious and needed to head out. We had a place to be so it was fine to need to leave early. And then I sorta put it out of my head. 2 days later however, I made an appointment to go back with all of my bridesmaids. Looking back now, it’s obvious that was the trigger for the fear. Fear of what? I’m not sure. Maybe having an audience watch me try on dresses? Maybe putting on more dresses and having to order some crazy large size? Who really knows. It could have been anything. All I know now is that fear crept into my heart and created a space between myself and my strength – God. It wasn’t overnight, and to be 100% honest with you I didn’t even recognize it for what it was until yesterday at Mass. Actually, at rehearsal for Mass.
In the last two weeks I’ve been so anxious about working out. And not just my working out but my fiance working out. I’ve been so proud that I haven’t been skipping meals or counting calories, but in the back of my head snuck the following thought: “If you don’t work out and you don’t alter your diet you’re going to gain weight”. Granted, for the majority that thought is a healthy reminder. For me and those like me, that thought is a diving board. And without realizing it I totally dove. HEAD first. I was angry. Frustrated over things that don’t matter. I was anxious about everything. Uptight (more than normal…). I was basically in a word – crazy. Worse than that I couldn’t figure out what was going on with me.
Sometime yesterday afternoon our praise band leader made a very random song change and sent us a text about it. The song he picked is one that he somehow ALWAYS picks when my eating disorder is rearing it’s ugly head. It’s freaking ridiculous because it boggles my mind how he always manages to do that. Regardless, he picked it. And it was like a slap to the face.
At rehearsal I ended up leading it and I was angry. I was like “NO I am not admitting that this is still a problem. NO. No. No. No. There are bigger things going on right now and I have too much else to worry about and I’m stronger than that and I broke up with it and Just NO” And then, God decided He was bored with my stubborness and opened my ears. I sang the lyrics while simultaneously listening to them and BOOM. I’m glad my thoughts are just mine cause inside my head the only thing was “well shit….”
“I’m falling on my knees. Offering all of me. Jesus you’re all this heart is living for.”
Boom. I had stopped leaning. I’d stopped praying about it. I’d forgotten that I still needed to give Him that struggle. I didn’t want to admit it was a struggle even. And in that Satan had found a way to affect my life again. Jesus can’t be all my heart is living for if I’m caught up in anxiety over my working out/body image. DANGIT!!!!!!!!!
Before Mass started I apologized to my fiance. He’d been taking the brunt of it. He actually looked at me in surprise that I actually figured out the problem on my own. And then he told me he loved me.
God is so good at reminding us to lean into Him. Reminding us that He is bigger than anything in this world. Reminding us to stop looking at things in this world to satisfy us, to stop judging ourselves by this worlds standards, and to put Him above all else.